A Manic Mind

Whaddup peeps? Long time no post from me to y’all. I was so busy and kinda lost my mood to make any posts during these times. I did not expect myself to make another post but here I am now. In this cold, silent night I finally made up my mind to say few things that have been on mind during this semester holiday. You know… I kinda am having manic depression now. One moment I felt okay where everything is fun and exciting then another moment I will feel so low and down with the entire negativity thoughts just stream inside my mind. I can’t help it. I felt like I’m going crazy with the way things have been going. At the time being, I am having a super close relationship with this one sweet girl who has bipolar disorder. I guess what I have right now is the result of me having gone in too deep with her. I can’t help it. I somehow have a different view on life and seeing things in another new perspective. It is the view of a person who is desperate for help and recognition from the world. This one girl has lost too much and it looks like she will keep losing more and more. From the way I see it, she seems to be clinging desperately to me because I think I the only one left she can talk and express herself wholeheartedly. What she said does affect me. What she gave to me means more to me. What we share even mean a lot more to us. Yeah, she teaches me a lot and she gave me the reason to think more and think less. I guess what we really have now is a symbiotic dependency between me and her and it looks like we will keep this relationship as a long-term investment for us. Last Friday we got our result for the previous examination and I must say I am feeling very bad for it. I won’t go for the podium and I don’t need to shave my head bald. That’s for sure. I felt like to make arguments for the failure but I guess I’m done to say about that. I just want to finish this course and straightaway go for jobs. All the glory of being the top of the herd will mean nothing if we can’t secure a prospectus job. Next semester I will be very busy because I’m thinking of taking part time jobs whenever I can. I need money and I like to hoard lots of them in the bank. I think it is time for me to make a drastic change to my life. When I celebrated my 29th birthday on the 2nd this month, I kinda like have been given a lot of omens that clearly point out that message to me. I need to graduate from the teenage vibe and grow up. I need to let go some things to gain new things. This holiday is a waste in some ways. Yeah. It is. But from some other ways it is the perfect chance for me to reflect things. Right now I am still trying to organize my thoughts and revise back my plans for the future. Hopefully y’all would have some moments to sit down and reflect on what you have done during these years. Who knows you might feel the same as I am right now.

Some nights, everyday thoughts

Howdy? I haven't been around this particular getaway for a while. Sorry. I was very busy and somehow I drift along with the flow of everyday events. University life that was a part of my dream when I was just a teen now seems to be one of the worst phase of this life of mine. I kept telling myself that I will prevail these boring episodes and I won't regret this choice that I made...and I don't. The only thing is that these phase and episodes really sucks everything from me. My vitality, my spirit, my patience, my everything. I basically in the state of burnout when I started this semester and now I feel like I just can't make it with good result. Honestly, I'm tired and sick of going to classes. Let alone waking up before 7. A friend of mine posted that she needed a vacation a few days ago and I can't help it but to agree that I too am needing the same thing. A nice vacation. Maybe something like this?

Oh yea, I am now weighing 68kg from 67kg. But since I'm gaining weight because I'm gaining more muscles, I won't complain. My body fat is around 16% of my weight and it is good to know that I'm losing some fat even when my appetite seems to increase more and more lately. That's what it means going slowly but at a steady pace. It seems that the pain that I got from my workout sessions is worth the efforts. In other things, I don't think that it is worth to talk about. I know of a lot of things and secrets and conflicts and gossips. But its their problems and I don't have any interest in being a public enemy. Let them settle it. Anyhow, I'm waiting for Christmas to come. I hope that Christmas this year will bring more good things for me and everyone. Last Christmas was quite tragic for me and I certainly don't want things like that happen again. Lets just wait and see how Christmas will be this 25th December. I think its enough for now. My vision is blurry and my stomach now grumble again for some midnight meal. So, till the next post, stay strong and healthy.

Hey, I’ve been away for too long already. Howdy peeps? Things are going for y’all? I don’t have it good but at least I’m trying my best to cope up with daily issues of my life. Personally I would have quit if it wasn’t for my thoughts of my future. I’m tired to study already. Seriously this degree study is grating my nerves and eating me inside out. I’m officially broke when I paid for my rents in advance and my debt to a few people. Honestly, I felt so sick with the thoughts of being penniless when I should’ve bought more things that are really important. But oh well, it’s already done and I ain’t gonna think about it anymore. Recently, I start going to gym again. After a few years now I’m going back to the track again. I’m gonna stick to that and hopefully; I’ll get to rid of my beloved fats and tone my body back to the way it was used to be before. I don’t want to be a freak with bulging muscles. It enough to be just…nice. But anyway, it’s time for me to rest. So peeps, have fun and enjoy your day.

Empty

Hallo peeps! I’ve been away for quite some time already. Yeah, it sure does feel like I am being too lazy to update my page. But oh well, who would read it anyway? XD This day, 23rd August, I decided that I will go back to my apartment that I rented with my friends. I still got some holiday but I decided to go back early in order to finish my works before we go back to classes. To be frank, I’m tired from all of these study things during semester holiday. It robs me of the chances to make some decent money and I find that my will is wavering quite violently. And lately, I really felt like I want to beat up people without any reason. I just felt that I want to murder someone. Thank God, I managed to put that desire away. So, here’s what happened during my holiday. I was not planning to get back home because I kinda want a time for me to be alone and apart from that I already got that some kinky plan to rendezvous with someone there. But since I have already been missing for 4 months from my family, I decided to put that plan on hold and come back home. The first thing I noticed is that how messy things were and just like always, cleaning is the first thing I did. My room was in a dilapidated state. I can’t sleep there so I have been like a nomad in my own house by going from a room to another. Then I have a good look at my cats, all of them have grown big and my dog gave birth to four pups. Sadly, one of them died. I went to my childhood friend place and have a long nice chat with him. I swapped some movies and got some really nice vids to entertain me when I felt that urge to get high. The best thing he had was some photos from our times as secondary school students and I was really surprised he had our photo from our childhood time. Damn, I did not recognize myself in that photo. So small and so…timid. Oh man…I really need to get my photos back and see myself during those times. Yesterday was my aunt’s Raya open house and I went there quite late because I saw how many people that came. I locked up myself in my room and watched some movies to pass the time before I go there. My cousins were like usual with their old chit chat jokes and topics. ‘where do you live now?’, ‘are you working?’, ‘when you are going to marry?’. These was some of the same old questions I was asked and frankly, I hate these kind of questions. But you know….if auntie-auntie was the who asked, then you know that you will have to answer. Actually there was a lot of things that happened and thoughts that came to my head during these holiday. But, as always, I’m gonna keep it a little longer for myself before I put those thoughts in this page. Adios munchachos!

A Pointless Thought

Hey. Whaddup? So long without any posts from me. Y’all got lonely? I think not. Most of us were so busy dealing with our lives, tackling our own problems, enduring hardships and surely, we all tried to survive without failing in any areas of life. These months have so hard for me to cope up. It ain’t easy to get out from the comfort zone and do the same shit again and again. Lately, I have been thinking of whether I made the right decision to continue my study. When you go into the next level of tertiary education, seriously, you got to be prepared mentally, physically and of course, financially adequate. I never thought that I spend much of my resources onto crappy things and unnecessary things. But oh well, I am who I am which is a spendthrift person. Money came and goes as fast as my electrical brain signals generate and disappears. I didn’t buy much of things but I paid a lot to rents, bills, fees, and mostly, to the foods I cooked for every one of us that rented this house. Lucky for us, we have been good friends since our diploma days and that helps us a lot. We do have our own disagreements but still, we can talk without having to go the hard ways. Oh, I forgot. Last Sunday was my last exam and I guess it went well. I don’t have any regrets. It is pointless to stay and think about it. Furthermore, I still have two subjects to take during my semester holidays. That also means that I won’t get back home for holidays…yet. The holidays that I can spend time at my hometown is on Raya’s holidays. God…I miss my home. Or probably, I miss my lazy days… There are a lot of things that played inside my mind during my absence in this getaway. Thoughts that I didn’t share with anyone and I kept it to myself. It was tough to hold it inside and pretend that life is okay. I had to pretend most of the time and I kinda feel like I lied to myself. I like to be true to myself and to other people but still, I had to wear masks in front of some because I don’t want to create more dramas and problems. So, I relapse again to my habit during my diploma days where I stayed outside of the mainstream communication as much as possible and observe everything that has been going on. There are dramas, silent aggressions, awkward moments and a lot more of ‘entertainment’ that I enjoyed. Facebook and twitter was my prime source of entertainment. But then again it is also the source of my unhappiness and my sorrow. So what I think is that I want to go back to the real world and spend less time on a virtual reality site. I need to do that. Concerning of heart and feeling issues, well, I made some mistakes and created more scandals. I broke with my ex at May and during that times, I got so close with some women. I got myself so messed up and the next thing I realized after quite some time, I did not really have heart to love anyone. After Sophie, I got so scared of giving commitment and that cost me a lot. The last thing that I would say about these things is that I am not read and I am reminded to stay focused on what I want, where I want to go and who I will be. One thing that I understand is that, most women nowadays are materialistic predators that wait for their prey to come (No offense ladies, I know not all of women out there are shavers though). Well, I guess that enough for now. I lost my mood to continue blabbering about things. Truth is I’m just feeling unwell and lonely as hell. My neighbours already finished their study and it does feel like shit when I don’t hear them anymore. Oh God. I miss them already especially… Hehehe. That’s a secret for me and me only. Anyway lads, I wish a great time and fun. Adios Munchachos.

'Drop Dead You Bitch'

Seriously. Why do I have to learn in details about paragraphs, main idea sentences, supporting details, writing styles and all sorts of ruling over articles' writing?
Would I even need it when I finally have a decent job in the future? Honestly in mu opinion, this is pure BULLSHIT!
For a 2 credit-hour subject, I find this as to be preposterous as the requirement for work of this subject is irrational. You gotta make comments in an online blog every week and still have to go for classes. Plus, I asked the other group's works for their lecturer's demand. Presentation for each chapter. That is waaaayyyyyy more easy than what we are doing. Its unfair beyond question.
One thing lead to another and thus chain reaction of anger is being reinforced every week. I can't take it.
If she would make questionnaire by the end of semester, I'll write this for her.
'Drop Dead You Bitch'

'Dear God'

Howdy peeps? Same old brand new you?
These few weeks has already passed and here I am still standing even though there are times I felt like I just want to quit. I'm glad I made it to this point because I know that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Sure feels good when we are surviving even we almost got crushed down by our own self-destructive thoughts.
Last week I was at my home. But only for one night. The next day I've gone back here at hostel. This prison seems a lot more appealing than my home. I guess some girls will never grow up. That's one of the reason why I ran away from home.
Study is okay for the time being. I still can afford to be lazy and skip a few classes. Money? Now that is the one thing I hate to remember. I hate the fact that I have to cope with the lack of financial capacity for the time being.
Love? I'm steady for the time being. No biggies over that matter XD
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Hmmm.....
I just lost the mood and words. I'll update again when I have the mood and time.
Sorry peeps. Nite~