Some nights, everyday thoughts

Howdy? I haven't been around this particular getaway for a while. Sorry. I was very busy and somehow I drift along with the flow of everyday events. University life that was a part of my dream when I was just a teen now seems to be one of the worst phase of this life of mine. I kept telling myself that I will prevail these boring episodes and I won't regret this choice that I made...and I don't. The only thing is that these phase and episodes really sucks everything from me. My vitality, my spirit, my patience, my everything. I basically in the state of burnout when I started this semester and now I feel like I just can't make it with good result. Honestly, I'm tired and sick of going to classes. Let alone waking up before 7. A friend of mine posted that she needed a vacation a few days ago and I can't help it but to agree that I too am needing the same thing. A nice vacation. Maybe something like this?

Oh yea, I am now weighing 68kg from 67kg. But since I'm gaining weight because I'm gaining more muscles, I won't complain. My body fat is around 16% of my weight and it is good to know that I'm losing some fat even when my appetite seems to increase more and more lately. That's what it means going slowly but at a steady pace. It seems that the pain that I got from my workout sessions is worth the efforts. In other things, I don't think that it is worth to talk about. I know of a lot of things and secrets and conflicts and gossips. But its their problems and I don't have any interest in being a public enemy. Let them settle it. Anyhow, I'm waiting for Christmas to come. I hope that Christmas this year will bring more good things for me and everyone. Last Christmas was quite tragic for me and I certainly don't want things like that happen again. Lets just wait and see how Christmas will be this 25th December. I think its enough for now. My vision is blurry and my stomach now grumble again for some midnight meal. So, till the next post, stay strong and healthy.

Hey, I’ve been away for too long already. Howdy peeps? Things are going for y’all? I don’t have it good but at least I’m trying my best to cope up with daily issues of my life. Personally I would have quit if it wasn’t for my thoughts of my future. I’m tired to study already. Seriously this degree study is grating my nerves and eating me inside out. I’m officially broke when I paid for my rents in advance and my debt to a few people. Honestly, I felt so sick with the thoughts of being penniless when I should’ve bought more things that are really important. But oh well, it’s already done and I ain’t gonna think about it anymore. Recently, I start going to gym again. After a few years now I’m going back to the track again. I’m gonna stick to that and hopefully; I’ll get to rid of my beloved fats and tone my body back to the way it was used to be before. I don’t want to be a freak with bulging muscles. It enough to be just…nice. But anyway, it’s time for me to rest. So peeps, have fun and enjoy your day.

Empty

Hallo peeps! I’ve been away for quite some time already. Yeah, it sure does feel like I am being too lazy to update my page. But oh well, who would read it anyway? XD This day, 23rd August, I decided that I will go back to my apartment that I rented with my friends. I still got some holiday but I decided to go back early in order to finish my works before we go back to classes. To be frank, I’m tired from all of these study things during semester holiday. It robs me of the chances to make some decent money and I find that my will is wavering quite violently. And lately, I really felt like I want to beat up people without any reason. I just felt that I want to murder someone. Thank God, I managed to put that desire away. So, here’s what happened during my holiday. I was not planning to get back home because I kinda want a time for me to be alone and apart from that I already got that some kinky plan to rendezvous with someone there. But since I have already been missing for 4 months from my family, I decided to put that plan on hold and come back home. The first thing I noticed is that how messy things were and just like always, cleaning is the first thing I did. My room was in a dilapidated state. I can’t sleep there so I have been like a nomad in my own house by going from a room to another. Then I have a good look at my cats, all of them have grown big and my dog gave birth to four pups. Sadly, one of them died. I went to my childhood friend place and have a long nice chat with him. I swapped some movies and got some really nice vids to entertain me when I felt that urge to get high. The best thing he had was some photos from our times as secondary school students and I was really surprised he had our photo from our childhood time. Damn, I did not recognize myself in that photo. So small and so…timid. Oh man…I really need to get my photos back and see myself during those times. Yesterday was my aunt’s Raya open house and I went there quite late because I saw how many people that came. I locked up myself in my room and watched some movies to pass the time before I go there. My cousins were like usual with their old chit chat jokes and topics. ‘where do you live now?’, ‘are you working?’, ‘when you are going to marry?’. These was some of the same old questions I was asked and frankly, I hate these kind of questions. But you know….if auntie-auntie was the who asked, then you know that you will have to answer. Actually there was a lot of things that happened and thoughts that came to my head during these holiday. But, as always, I’m gonna keep it a little longer for myself before I put those thoughts in this page. Adios munchachos!

A Pointless Thought

Hey. Whaddup? So long without any posts from me. Y’all got lonely? I think not. Most of us were so busy dealing with our lives, tackling our own problems, enduring hardships and surely, we all tried to survive without failing in any areas of life. These months have so hard for me to cope up. It ain’t easy to get out from the comfort zone and do the same shit again and again. Lately, I have been thinking of whether I made the right decision to continue my study. When you go into the next level of tertiary education, seriously, you got to be prepared mentally, physically and of course, financially adequate. I never thought that I spend much of my resources onto crappy things and unnecessary things. But oh well, I am who I am which is a spendthrift person. Money came and goes as fast as my electrical brain signals generate and disappears. I didn’t buy much of things but I paid a lot to rents, bills, fees, and mostly, to the foods I cooked for every one of us that rented this house. Lucky for us, we have been good friends since our diploma days and that helps us a lot. We do have our own disagreements but still, we can talk without having to go the hard ways. Oh, I forgot. Last Sunday was my last exam and I guess it went well. I don’t have any regrets. It is pointless to stay and think about it. Furthermore, I still have two subjects to take during my semester holidays. That also means that I won’t get back home for holidays…yet. The holidays that I can spend time at my hometown is on Raya’s holidays. God…I miss my home. Or probably, I miss my lazy days… There are a lot of things that played inside my mind during my absence in this getaway. Thoughts that I didn’t share with anyone and I kept it to myself. It was tough to hold it inside and pretend that life is okay. I had to pretend most of the time and I kinda feel like I lied to myself. I like to be true to myself and to other people but still, I had to wear masks in front of some because I don’t want to create more dramas and problems. So, I relapse again to my habit during my diploma days where I stayed outside of the mainstream communication as much as possible and observe everything that has been going on. There are dramas, silent aggressions, awkward moments and a lot more of ‘entertainment’ that I enjoyed. Facebook and twitter was my prime source of entertainment. But then again it is also the source of my unhappiness and my sorrow. So what I think is that I want to go back to the real world and spend less time on a virtual reality site. I need to do that. Concerning of heart and feeling issues, well, I made some mistakes and created more scandals. I broke with my ex at May and during that times, I got so close with some women. I got myself so messed up and the next thing I realized after quite some time, I did not really have heart to love anyone. After Sophie, I got so scared of giving commitment and that cost me a lot. The last thing that I would say about these things is that I am not read and I am reminded to stay focused on what I want, where I want to go and who I will be. One thing that I understand is that, most women nowadays are materialistic predators that wait for their prey to come (No offense ladies, I know not all of women out there are shavers though). Well, I guess that enough for now. I lost my mood to continue blabbering about things. Truth is I’m just feeling unwell and lonely as hell. My neighbours already finished their study and it does feel like shit when I don’t hear them anymore. Oh God. I miss them already especially… Hehehe. That’s a secret for me and me only. Anyway lads, I wish a great time and fun. Adios Munchachos.

'Drop Dead You Bitch'

Seriously. Why do I have to learn in details about paragraphs, main idea sentences, supporting details, writing styles and all sorts of ruling over articles' writing?
Would I even need it when I finally have a decent job in the future? Honestly in mu opinion, this is pure BULLSHIT!
For a 2 credit-hour subject, I find this as to be preposterous as the requirement for work of this subject is irrational. You gotta make comments in an online blog every week and still have to go for classes. Plus, I asked the other group's works for their lecturer's demand. Presentation for each chapter. That is waaaayyyyyy more easy than what we are doing. Its unfair beyond question.
One thing lead to another and thus chain reaction of anger is being reinforced every week. I can't take it.
If she would make questionnaire by the end of semester, I'll write this for her.
'Drop Dead You Bitch'

'Dear God'

Howdy peeps? Same old brand new you?
These few weeks has already passed and here I am still standing even though there are times I felt like I just want to quit. I'm glad I made it to this point because I know that no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Sure feels good when we are surviving even we almost got crushed down by our own self-destructive thoughts.
Last week I was at my home. But only for one night. The next day I've gone back here at hostel. This prison seems a lot more appealing than my home. I guess some girls will never grow up. That's one of the reason why I ran away from home.
Study is okay for the time being. I still can afford to be lazy and skip a few classes. Money? Now that is the one thing I hate to remember. I hate the fact that I have to cope with the lack of financial capacity for the time being.
Love? I'm steady for the time being. No biggies over that matter XD
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Hmmm.....
I just lost the mood and words. I'll update again when I have the mood and time.
Sorry peeps. Nite~

*Degree Pedigree*

It has been two weeks since I started out my degree study. Hell. I felt like shit. Having to be robbed of my holiday routines, now I really missed out my homey chores. I miss my dad's sarcasm, my sister's nagging, my cats and dogs, and surely I'm missing my freedom to cook and eat my favorite meals. Owh... I missed all of that. I haven't met with my lil sis and my lil bro since last year and somehow, I begin to fear that I might not be able to hang out with them like before. Kids grow up too fast theses days.

For certain reasons that I couldn't explain, I have a fear that gripping me so tight. To die without accomplishing my dream is one of my worst fear. If possible, I want to have at least a child before that time come. To leave without leaving anything is one unbearable thought you know. I'm not saying that I wish or wanted to die, but, yo know, I worry things too soon and too much.

As for my study at the time being, actually I can say its pretty good. The only problem is me. I seems haven't been able to accept reality. I still need time. Homey blues. I hate it. XD

See that title of this post? I put it up because I like the rhyme. That's the only reason. Okay? Don't misunderstand me yea?

Migrainica Weekatus

Migrainica Weekatus. Migraine infested week.
I started this week with nervousness and a bit of sadness.
I left my safe haven and made my way here to suffer again. The bad thing is that my heart still in holiday mode and i'm really reluctant to accept the reality that I now am having myself going through days of stress and panic and misery.
I look at my timetable and i frown and sigh unconsciously.
Who would have thought that we got to take intersession for two papers this semester's holiday? I calculated the cost of money and holiday. Whoa...600 to spend for that and I'll be left with less than two weeks of holiday before i start my fourth semester study.
Awesome! I might grow myself white hair and wrinkles all over my face.

Hell. Come what may. I'll be standing in the end. Heheh.

MARCHing FORward EVERyday

March came. Today my brother's birthday. Now in my family we got birthdays of 1 jan, 2 feb, and 3 march.


This morning I woke up, I still feel sick and my throat sores. I got quite terrible blues too because I'm missing my home. Now here at hostel, I'm currently holding refugee status. I was staying illegally in one of my fren's room and i'm waiting for Monday to see whether i'll be getting me-self a nice clean room or not.
Oh I just can't wait to see monday.


I gotta admit, sometimes, we will have to face the reality that we somehow did get the best of the best but we let it go. Now that I felt like that, I can't go back to the point before because it already has vanished. Now what I can do is always the same thing I did. I'm marching forward. Everyday the same thing.
I don't gold it against anybody. I'm cool bout it.


5th March. I'm waiting for that day. I can't wait to see who will be my mates for this 2 year ride of pain, stress, sadness, and enjoyment. I know some of 'em but who will be the new addition. They'll be cool or not with us? Will they be ready for me?

Anyway, I'll leave that for Monday. HEHEHEHEHE

You Lost Me

When you talk to me and I listen, you ought to do the same thing to me.
When I talk don't ever hung up on me.
Because of that, you lost me.
Forever.

Towards The New horizon

Everytime I got a difficult day, i'll sit for a sec and look towards the prospects of the future based on what have i achieved so far.
For now, i cleared my diploma study and will be continuing for bachelor on this march. i felt good and somewhat scared of the what the future may hold for me.
Its been a hell of a journey, a blissful survival, full of experiences. Those days that i lived wasn't as good as others lived and yet, i felt happy for it because it is the only way that I know i can managed to handle within my capacity.

this year has marked of 4 years of my affiliation of me and UiTM. I'll be adding another 2 years. Hopefully, things will be okay and I'll achieve more than just a scroll of bachelor certification.

Self-Reflection

I've been thinking. On the 5th i was dumped via fb message. Since then, my mind has been in chaos. i felt miserable until now. even when things was already over, there's tons of lingering memories that i can't brush off easily. i couldn't even i wanted too. it was etched so deep and strong inside me. honestly, it was a mistake since the beginning of that relationship. distance makes all of the effort seems fruitless. even naive. i guess its inevitable for that relationship to end. doomed by insecurity, much of fantasy and lack of reality. i understand it. couples can't be far from each other as distance will amplify the loneliness and longing of the heart. too much of those things, even a married couple can be led astray.... and that my friends... i understand that very well.

For me...personally i too felt the inadequacy of this relationship. but, i stayed focused and kept my optimism fuel my passion. i believe that this relationship worth to fight for because i know how sweet it is in the end of the survival. i always have been like that. i learn to persevere through ordeals and stay firm in what i believe for.

Sadly...she was not me. she didn't have that steely hard and unwavering will. so she ends up what she started. she's happy with it. i can tell.
the one that ain't happy with it.

me.

after much of thinking and reflecting over the visible and the invisible, i can now accept it. I got a lot of shortcomings and little advantages in every way compared to others. i can't help it. i wasn't born with silver spoon in my mouth. i inherit the gens that kept my body chubby no matter how hard i tried to lose weight. i can't break away from the responsibilities i am tied to.
The only things i can do for the next 3 years is to improve myself in every way. i gotta change. for better for worse. i won't give any commitment in future relationships.

And when i feel like i lost my way, i'll come back to this particular post so that i'll remember of never letting a woman breaks me to pieces again. ever.

this pain and shame that i carry deeply in my heart right now would probably last longer than i expected. but thanks to that. i can have more to time focus on basic self-improvement and self-reflection. when things has settle down, I'll be back again.

till then, remember. Don't start something that you can't live up to fulfill it. cause you may never know when it gets back to you.

2011 I say Goodbye to You, 2012 I Now Embrace You

Hey. It's been months since I last updated this page. I guess I was void of any interesting thoughts at the end of 2011. Though I had things happened in that period of time. But anyway, 2012 has come and as usual, things go on like...usual. Nothing whatsoever happened. I'm hoping for good things to happen in this new year. And as usual, I'll try to make the best of me for everything that I do.
Happy new year peeps!